Yet again, I have neglected you. However, I think you may also have a new purpose. I'm not sure if you still get read (Jenn, send me a message if you do), but that's not the point.
There is an interesting (fuck interesting, so far past interesting that the light from interesting takes light years to reach where he really is) person on my mind. His name is Ryan. He's pretty. Holy hell, is he pretty.
He's kind. I can't even emphasize that one enough.
He's sexy. Typing that statement just made me tingle. I might need a few minutes, but wow- just wow.
He's smart, but not condescending. How rare is that? We'll be having a conversation about anything or nothing, and if there is something that I'm just not quite clear on, or at 5 in the morning can't quite wrap my brain around, he'll explain.
He's a dork. :) I wasn't sure about that one, but after driving down to Moose Jaw to meet him, and thinking though the evening, all that I could think that is if that is what dating a dork is like, Huzzah for me!
We had a dreaded talk about sex last night. I'm just not that experienced. I think I might finally understand my perspective now, too. Take a moment to consider every relationship you have ever had. Now, consider how you would responded if in every relationship, you were cheated on, and early enough in the relationship that the sexual aspect of the relationship never really developed.
I wish I could remember exactly what he said. We were on Skype at that time, and we were taking face to face. I didn't know if I could look him in the eye. I'm 32 years old for god sakes! How do I tell the sexual god in front of me that I've never managed to have an orgasm with my partner? How do I tell him that I've only ever dated men who wanted to take advantage of me, and finding that difficult, moved onto fucking others, but still wanted to come home to me?
He told me that there was nothing that we couldn't work through together. It would take a lot of communication, but that we could make sure we moved at a pace that was right for me. I was touched last night, but so ashamed. I guess I'm used to this being the point where someone that seems great would leave the picture.
I cried when I was in the car today. I was thinking about Ryan, and thinking about how he makes me feel, and about how his words last night touched me in light of a very tender personal issue. I wasn't crying because I was hurt; but crying because I just never believed I would find someone that didn't need me to fuck or be fucked in the first 10 minutes. That's funny though. He commented that it's nice being able to move forward with someone that he didn't have to diddle to keep interested. I'd want him if we never ever had anything approaching sex...although I think I might explode. Yes, there is just that something about him that doesn't quite leave him safe in my presence. I'll behave though. For now....
I'm thinking this blog might be getting a little graphic, but fuck it. It's my blog.
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