I want a baby.

Is that the wrong thing to say the second time I post? Does it come across as desperate? Does it make you raise an eyebrow that a late 20 something man wants a baby?

Too bad.

Because I do.

I went to a baby shower today. A very good friend and a wonderful woman had a beautiful baby boy a few weeks ago. He was named Graham. He's the sweetest thing. He never cried, barely fussed, and just generally behaved. He did manage to spit up twice, but that was on his Mom, so it's still all good. I'll admit I'm a little nervous around babies that small, but I held him in my hands. All he did was stare at me. No crying. No squirming.

I realize that if ever I do manage to have children, they will not be as well behaved as Graham was today. Also, this might just be the calm before the storm, and he might grow up to be a real hellraiser. But, looking at his parents, he would manage to be a heartbreaker too, so he would just manage to get away with it. He'll end up tall, blond, green/ blue eyed, and broad shouldered. What bad genes did this kid get, anyway? :)

I'm going to leave the reasons why I don't know if I'll ever have children for 2 later posts. Why? Because there are 2 different reasons that I may never have kids. I have a few distinct, different, and very real problems pertinent to that issue.

I've always pictured myself having children, even though for the last several years I haven't managed to picture a spouse with me. I own a house with 5 bedrooms; 3 on the main floor, and two in the basement. I'm reminded of a line in "Under the Tuscan Sun", where the principle character bemoans her life, saying "I've bought a house for a life that I don't even have". That's how I feel. I use one bedroom. Another bedroom holds the computer that I am using now, bookcases, and a litter box. The other room is full of a guest bed, boxes that I haven't unpacked, and a sewing machine. The basement is rented out to a good friend of mine. However, that isn't what I picture.

I can see having a child in this house, maybe a little girl. She could have this room; it's sunny, west facing, and large. It's open enough that I could put in a bay window with a window seat for her. When I moved in, I found that this room was once painted pink. It was a perfect little girls room shade of pink. It's yellow now, which could also work. Lilacs bloom just outside this window, which is shaded by a young maple tree.

I don't care if she wants a dog, or fifteen. I don't care if she thinks I should drive a minivan, a sports car, or a Volkswagen bus. I don't care if she is a he. I've wanted children for so long. It just seems that won't happen for more and more reasons. That makes me sad, and feeling empty.

First shot at this...

...but hopefully not the last. I thought I would give this forum a shot, but not because I have anything interesting to say. I thought I would start this because I need somewhere to practice writing, and the idea of making the personal public (or semi-public) is sort of appealing.

Why do I need to practice writing? Because I am a former English Honours student, who has not used his degree in the six years since he has obtained it. I've been working with concrete, furniture, and truckers since I graduated. These are not fields conducive to thought, let alone anything inspired. The truckers and the concrete have more in common than one might guess, but I think I will leave that for another entry.

I'm Canadian. Please don't hold that against me. I'm young, but old enough that I am not going to tell you how old I am. So there. I own a car, and a house. What does that mean?

Between the student loans, the mortgage, and the car loan, I am broke. Maxed out. Tapped. Mortgaged to the hilt. Considering passing around a collection plate. Does that sound sad? Did I inspire you to send me cash? I thought not. :)

I try to be a wit, but often fail. Why? I think I try too hard. That, and I have a very slight stutter. So, often when delivering the punch line, I screw it up.

I try to be a good person, but often fail. I would think that we all do, but I really think that I might have a worse track record than most. I think I'll get into those issues in future blogs though. Why outright ruin your opinion of me now, when I can slowly do it over time?

Schaughn.