Oh, so much to tell you...

A great deal has happened since my last posting here. I've seen Ryan twice more since then. He came to Saskatoon to visit during the week of Remembrance Day. He stayed out in Delisle, at Laurie and Ryan's house.
I worked first thing that morning, and was nervous and terrified. What if the incredible guy that I met when I went down to Moose Jaw doesn't like me as much as I thought or hoped he had? What if he is really really just here to see the kids, and I'm an incidental?
I don't think that happened. I did pick him up at the bus depot as quickly as I could after I was done work. I wondered about running up to him in the terminal and throwing myself at him, but he was already having a cigarette outside. He was wearing his royal blue pirate coat, and tan pants from what I could see. As always, first impression: Wow. We hugged.
So we went to the car, which I had parked right around the corner. We put his stuff in the hatch, and got inside. We kissed for a few minutes sitting in the car. He apologized for having cigarette breath. I did notice the cigarette, but it's strange it doesn't bother me. How does he manage to have good cigarette breath?

Anyway, we did a bit of running around, and then went to the Wok for lunch. The food was great, but the real focus of the lunch was sitting across the table from this incredible man. I don't know if he caught me staring. I did catch him staring. He sort of blushed and looked away. What is with me being confident all of a sudden? I told him that I was flattered, and smiled.
We did a bit of shopping after that. We went to Michael's and looked for some paints for me, and I discovered that he loves craft stores too. I'm trying to find some Rub and Buff to fix the light fixture in the front entrance.
Anyway, we then went to Marks Work Warehouse, where he had a gift certificate. Now that was fun. We picked out a few things for him to try on, and sent him in to the change room.
He invited me into the change room, and I have to tell you that I was well behaved and didn't go in. But, man! Seeing Ryan in a athletic undershirt and underwear might have made me ovulate. Just sayin'. I hope he wasn't hurt or offended I didn't come in. I wanted to, desperately.
He left, having picked out a pair of tan pants- Shawn, remember go to go and buy the grey camo pants that were also fantastic- and a blue washed out button up shirt, some underwear and a few other miscellaneous items.
Ryan and I headed for the university, and planned to go for a walk by the river, amongst the statues there. We stopped, parked...fogged up the windows. :) After fogging up the windows and counting to three, we left the car and walked. We held hands, walked by the river, looked at the statues, kissed...What a moment. I'm writing this from about three weeks after the fact and my heart skipped another beat.
We went to the Second Avenue Grill afterwards, to warm up a bit and have a drink. I don't think either of us was hungry. So, we had dessert and a beverage. We both had Blueberry tea, and cranberry creme brule. Fanastic both!
I had to get going to my class, so after languishing in each others company and a delightful repast, we headed to my house. I grabbed my books, and we headed out to Delisle.


*note* I forgot about this posting, and decided to post it now. I originally wrote it in November, I think*

The point. Did you have one?

Ah, the point of the repurpose of this blog.

There is so much I want to tell Ryan, but am just too scared to actually do it at this time. I think a lot of him, and think of him a lot. I just don't want to scare him off. Telling him that I think I love him at this point might feel a bit preemptive. However, it's the truth. Telling him that I would marry him any day this week might scare him too. However, I don't wish to imagine a life without him anymore. I'm a strong and independent man. However, I think God might have brought me my consort.

Thank you God.

Life is funny

I'm just reading through other posts I've made on this blog, about HWSNBN, and I'm shaking my head. I can't tell the world how grateful I am that I dodged that bullet. Wow. And I thought I wanted that...because? Ugh.
No thanks.

Dear little blog...

Yet again, I have neglected you. However, I think you may also have a new purpose. I'm not sure if you still get read (Jenn, send me a message if you do), but that's not the point.

There is an interesting (fuck interesting, so far past interesting that the light from interesting takes light years to reach where he really is) person on my mind. His name is Ryan. He's pretty. Holy hell, is he pretty.
He's kind. I can't even emphasize that one enough.
He's sexy. Typing that statement just made me tingle. I might need a few minutes, but wow- just wow.
He's smart, but not condescending. How rare is that? We'll be having a conversation about anything or nothing, and if there is something that I'm just not quite clear on, or at 5 in the morning can't quite wrap my brain around, he'll explain.
He's a dork. :) I wasn't sure about that one, but after driving down to Moose Jaw to meet him, and thinking though the evening, all that I could think that is if that is what dating a dork is like, Huzzah for me!
We had a dreaded talk about sex last night. I'm just not that experienced. I think I might finally understand my perspective now, too. Take a moment to consider every relationship you have ever had. Now, consider how you would responded if in every relationship, you were cheated on, and early enough in the relationship that the sexual aspect of the relationship never really developed.
I wish I could remember exactly what he said. We were on Skype at that time, and we were taking face to face. I didn't know if I could look him in the eye. I'm 32 years old for god sakes! How do I tell the sexual god in front of me that I've never managed to have an orgasm with my partner? How do I tell him that I've only ever dated men who wanted to take advantage of me, and finding that difficult, moved onto fucking others, but still wanted to come home to me?
He told me that there was nothing that we couldn't work through together. It would take a lot of communication, but that we could make sure we moved at a pace that was right for me. I was touched last night, but so ashamed. I guess I'm used to this being the point where someone that seems great would leave the picture.
I cried when I was in the car today. I was thinking about Ryan, and thinking about how he makes me feel, and about how his words last night touched me in light of a very tender personal issue. I wasn't crying because I was hurt; but crying because I just never believed I would find someone that didn't need me to fuck or be fucked in the first 10 minutes. That's funny though. He commented that it's nice being able to move forward with someone that he didn't have to diddle to keep interested. I'd want him if we never ever had anything approaching sex...although I think I might explode. Yes, there is just that something about him that doesn't quite leave him safe in my presence. I'll behave though. For now....

I'm thinking this blog might be getting a little graphic, but fuck it. It's my blog.