I want a baby.

Is that the wrong thing to say the second time I post? Does it come across as desperate? Does it make you raise an eyebrow that a late 20 something man wants a baby?

Too bad.

Because I do.

I went to a baby shower today. A very good friend and a wonderful woman had a beautiful baby boy a few weeks ago. He was named Graham. He's the sweetest thing. He never cried, barely fussed, and just generally behaved. He did manage to spit up twice, but that was on his Mom, so it's still all good. I'll admit I'm a little nervous around babies that small, but I held him in my hands. All he did was stare at me. No crying. No squirming.

I realize that if ever I do manage to have children, they will not be as well behaved as Graham was today. Also, this might just be the calm before the storm, and he might grow up to be a real hellraiser. But, looking at his parents, he would manage to be a heartbreaker too, so he would just manage to get away with it. He'll end up tall, blond, green/ blue eyed, and broad shouldered. What bad genes did this kid get, anyway? :)

I'm going to leave the reasons why I don't know if I'll ever have children for 2 later posts. Why? Because there are 2 different reasons that I may never have kids. I have a few distinct, different, and very real problems pertinent to that issue.

I've always pictured myself having children, even though for the last several years I haven't managed to picture a spouse with me. I own a house with 5 bedrooms; 3 on the main floor, and two in the basement. I'm reminded of a line in "Under the Tuscan Sun", where the principle character bemoans her life, saying "I've bought a house for a life that I don't even have". That's how I feel. I use one bedroom. Another bedroom holds the computer that I am using now, bookcases, and a litter box. The other room is full of a guest bed, boxes that I haven't unpacked, and a sewing machine. The basement is rented out to a good friend of mine. However, that isn't what I picture.

I can see having a child in this house, maybe a little girl. She could have this room; it's sunny, west facing, and large. It's open enough that I could put in a bay window with a window seat for her. When I moved in, I found that this room was once painted pink. It was a perfect little girls room shade of pink. It's yellow now, which could also work. Lilacs bloom just outside this window, which is shaded by a young maple tree.

I don't care if she wants a dog, or fifteen. I don't care if she thinks I should drive a minivan, a sports car, or a Volkswagen bus. I don't care if she is a he. I've wanted children for so long. It just seems that won't happen for more and more reasons. That makes me sad, and feeling empty.